


The IKEA Incident

by nerdyalice



Category: Being Human (UK)
Genre: Bad Jokes, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Too much IKEA product placement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:07:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27169747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdyalice/pseuds/nerdyalice
Summary: We all know Mitchell's feelings about IKEA, but what about Hal, Tom and Alex? A little look into the trinity's relationship with the home of Swedish flatpack furniture.
Comments: 15
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is short and silly, it's an idea that first came into my head a few months ago after making a gifset of all the mentions of IKEA Mitchell, George and Annie make. Obviously I do not own any of these characters, they belong to Toby Whithouse. (This is my first piece of writing for years so please be gentle.)

An advert for a certain furniture company comes onto the telly, catching Alex's attention far more than the magazine article she's trying to read for what's probably the fifteenth time. 

“Ya know what I miss?” She announces to the room, neither Hal nor Tom paying her much attention, both caught up in their own hobbies. “IKEA meatballs. And the free refills...” She frowns, remembering chaotic trips to IKEA Glasgow with her dad and brothers. “And the little hot-dogs at the end... We should go, you know. This place could do with a spruce up.”

Hal looks up from his embroidery and squints over at her in confusion. 

“...To the Swedish furniture shop?” 

He shudders at the sudden, unwelcome memory of the one time Leo went out and brought home a Billy bookcase in the early 2000s. At least the squabbling over the terrible flat-pack furniture had ended when S Club 7 came onto the radio and Pearl blew the electrics for the entire flat. It was, quite literally, a dark time he'd vowed never to repeat.

Alex sighs in exasperation. “It's more than just a furniture shop, Hal. Have you ever even been to an IKEA?” 

“No, Alex. I haven't. And I don't plan for that to change either.” He looks back down at the hoop cradled in his hands, irritated by the interruption. This is precise work that requires careful concentration.

Tom, who has up until this point, been quietly sat by himself carving another wooden wolf, pipes up, feeling the tension in the room. 

“Hal, don't be such a wally, it could be fun, like, we could make a day'uh'it. I don't mind drivin'.” He grins over at Alex, who returns the smile.

“...Come to think of it, tasting those meatballs one last time could be my unfinished business.”

Hal cannot help but let out a groan. “Don't be so absurd. Have you forgotten you can't eat?”

“Well, funnily enough the whole being dead thing had slipped my mind.” Alex shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “Of course I haven't forgotten, ya idiot.” 

“If it means tha' much to ya, Alex, I'll let you do tha' tastin' thing, if really you want.”

“Thank you, Thomas. At least someone in this house cares about me passing over.” She glares at Hal and rolls the magazine she's holding into a tube.

“I don't think eating cheap Swedish food is your unfinished business, Alex.” Hal mutters, this time not taking his eyes off the intricate embroidery. Alex takes full advantage of his distraction, getting up and hitting him around the head with the magazine. 

And for a moment, Hal is transported straight back to Southend, with Pearl in a huff wielding one of her copies of Marie Claire as a weapon and Leo calmly sat in his armchair, shaking his head at them. Except it's not Leo in the armchair it's Tom, and it's not Pearl stomping off out of the room, it's Alex in her great big boots, despite the fact she could have just Rent-a-Ghosted away.

As he comes back into the present, Hal is suddenly aware of a throbbing pain in his thumb, noticing he's managed to stab himself with his sewing needle in the commotion. Worse still, he's bleeding on his embroidery project. Tom has to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing as he carries on whittling and learns a few swear words that haven't been used in centuries. 

***

The following Saturday they're piled into Hal's car on route home from IKEA Cardiff.

“I can't believe I let you talk me into that. Never again, Alex. Never, again.” 

Hal grips the wheel so tightly it's a miracle it hasn't broken. Alex sits in the front passenger seat, slouched against the door.

“Hey, I got you out, didn't I? How was I supposed know you'd get lost and freak out?”

Hal is about to dispute that he did not in fact 'freak out', but he decides he hasn't got the energy after the day they've had.

“That place is a labyrinth. Not even Hatch could come up with something as evil as that.”

Alex rolls her eyes. “You are such a drama queen. You only have to follow the arrows, it isn't difficult. A child could do it.”

“I'm not good with crowds, Alex. It was chaos, there were people everywhere. I could have hurt someone. There was an entire section of mirrors. I could have been found out.”

“You didn't though, did you?” She grins smugly. Hal grinds his jaw and concentrates on the road.

“Wha' I don't get,” Tom leans forward from the back-seat. “Is nothin' were proper wood. It's all plastic. It's a load o' rubbish. 'Ow's it so expensive?”

“The trouble with people these days, Tom, is that they don't appreciate true craftsmanship. Things used to be built to last a lifetime”

Alex bites her tongue not to make a remark about old things and digs out several of the tiny pencils stuffed into her jacket pocket to inspect them. They could almost be tiny stakes...

“There's nowt wrong wi' the house as it is anyway.” Tom continues. “Annie liked it that way, so we should keep it like that in her memory.”

That does raise a small smile from Hal.   
“Well said, Tom” 

Alex turns round in her seat to look at Tom through the gap, “Hey, you liked the food though?”

Hal grimaces silently. Meatballs, chips and gravy dished out onto a plate you have to carry to the table yourself is not his idea of fine dining. They'd had better standards back when him and Tom were working at the Café on the Corner.

“Yeah that was nice, like. Still feels weird when you do that tasting thing.”

“...Thanks for letting me.”

“Sorry it weren't your unfinished business.”

“It's fine really, I didne think it would be.” She shrugs and if her voice sounds a little sadder, she soon changes the subject. “Anyway, the big shark you got was cool.”

Tom grins and hugs the giant blue plush shark that's sharing the back-seat with him closer.  
“Yeah. The shark's great. Shame we couldn't get a bunny.”

“Well, next time we go, I am totally stealing one of those big fat bears.”

Hal narrowly avoids smashing the car.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo brings home some new furniture, it doesn't go down very well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the lovely comments on my silly little one shot, you guys are the best! Special thanks to Opositiv who came up with the idea for this, I hope I've done it justice!

_Southend-on-Sea early December 2000_

Hal is sat at the coffee table with the radio on quietly, putting the last of his dominoes away when Leo and Pearl walk in carrying a large, flat, cardboard box between them.

“What on earth is that?”

They put the box down on the floor.

“It's a bookcase Hal, I thought you could help me build it.”

“A bookcase. In there? You've been gone for hours.” Hal sounds ever so slightly like a sulking child.

“It's a flat-pack. We've been to that big new shop at the Lakeside centre. Pearl wanted to do some Christmas shopping.” Leo smiles conspiratorially.

“I did not. _You_ wanted to go shopping. I only agreed to go so you had some company in the car. And I knew _he_ wouldn't go with you.” Peal scoffs and looks pointedly at Hal.

Hal is about to interject that she knows exactly why it's a bad idea for him to go shopping with them, especially at this time of the year, but Leo beats him to it.

“Ah, so we spent three hours looking at Christmas decorations because...?”

“Because you are a big kid who gets distracted by Christmas lights when he should be looking at kitchenware.” Pearl chides, her accent becoming even broader.

“We do seem to be getting through rather a lot of glasses lately. And cups. And electric kettles...” Hal mutters, not expecting a response.

“Well, it's nothing to do with me.” It was a mystery how they never seemed to keep a matching tea set for more than a few weeks. She wasn't breaking them deliberately.

“I didn't say it was.”

“You implied it.” Pearl huffs.

In the background the radio starts playing _Never Had A Dream Come True_ by S Club 7.

“Oh, for goodness sake. Not this again! This song came on four times in the car.”

“It's for charity Pearl, for the Children in Need. And I happen to quite like it.” Leo walks over to the radio and deliberately turns up the music, grinning at Pearl as he does so.

_I never found the words to say, you're the one I think about each day..._

“Anyway. I thought we could put this up in here.” Leo points to the box filling most of the living room floor space. “the shelves adjust so they can fit records and CD-ROMs as well as books. It'll be just the thing we need to keep the flat tidy.”

“I already keep the flat tidy.” Hal taps his fingers against one another, keeping the flat in order was part of his routine and bringing something new into it made him more nervous than he'd like to admit.

“And Billy the bookcase will help you, Hal.”

“Billy?” Hal frowns in confusion, at what point did they start giving furniture Christian names?

“That's its name.”

“Why?”

“I'll go and make a pot of tea, shall I? You boys and Billy can get acquainted.” Pearl vanishes from the room and a series of loud clanging noises can be heard coming from the kitchen.

“I don't know Hal, it's Swedish. Everything has a name and a number that you write down with a little pencil and at the end you get to a huge warehouse full of boxes. You should see it, it's the future.”

Hal finds himself worrying that his friend is starting to succumb to old age, he'd point blank refused to retire from the shop despite hitting 65 the year before. They didn't push the matter. Leo opens the box, pulling out the book of instructions and beginning to flick through it.

“It says all we need to build it is an Allen key.”

“I'll believe that when I see it.”

Pearl reappears in a whoosh of air, carrying two odd mugs of tea. “Here we are, milk with two sugars.” Pearl gives Leo a glare, his sugar intake has been an area of contention for quite awhile. “And black with a splash of water.”

“I was just telling Hal about the IKEA shop.”

“It's overrated, if you ask me.”

“Oh, you've change your tune Pearl. You were ready to redecorate the entire flat.”

Hal takes a sip of his tea and watches the exchange in silence. Pearl stands with her hands on her hips and digs one of her heels into the carpet, seeming to survey the room.

“I wouldn't mind some new drapes but I'm not a fan of the Scandinavian style, it leaves a lot to be desired.”

“We're living in the new millennium, I think we should embrace it.” Leo takes a big gulp of tea, always so enthusiastic about new things.

“Oh, no. We are not doing the computer talk again. We're not getting one and that's final.”

“I don't know why you would want a computer when we have a perfectly good collection of encyclopaedias.” Hal offers his opinion, although he has a sneaking suspicion that Leo may have already started setting money aside for one without mentioning it to Pearl.

“Which is exactly why we needed another bookcase. If we had a computer they could go to the charity shop.”

“...But perhaps we should embrace some elements of the twenty-first century. We can give the flat-pack a go.” Hal realises he's lost the battle he didn't even know they were having.

“Thank you.” Leo grins and starts pulling various bits of wood from the box.

***

Over two hours later...

“You're doing it wrong Hal.” Pearl stands over both of them, the bookcase mostly still in pieces.

“I'm following the instructions to the letter.” Hal replies through gritted teeth, deciding that if he ever met the person who invented this 'flat-pack' furniture, he'd rip their throat out and could not be held responsible for his actions.

“Let me take a look.” Pearl snatches the instructions from Hal to read them herself.

“It's fine Pearl, we're nearly there look. Just have a little patience.” Leo gives her a tired smile.

Hal stands up. “Right. I'm getting a hammer.”

“You don't need a hammer. You're going to break something. Look 'ere it says B6 to C9, you're trying to put B4 to C2.” Pearl points to the relevant section of the instructions.

“I am over five hundred years old. I know what I'm doing.” Hal storms out and comes back with a hammer out of Leo's tool box. The radio is still merrily playing in the background.

_And next up we have this year's Children in Need charity single, Never Had A Dream Come True..._

_..Everybody's got something they had to leave behind..._

Pearl screams out in rage. There's a loud bang. Hal yelps. Leo groans. The flat is plunged into darkness.


End file.
